I get tired lately. Perhaps I mean fatigued:
a lessening of one's response to or enthusiasm for something, typically as a result of overexposure to itSome of you might say that I need to get out more. Take breaks! Go fishing! Take a ride on your motorcycle! I do that, but that only helps momentarily. There is something deeper that is wrong. It is more serious than just overexposure. I believe that it is somehow related to the fact that much of what we do isn't related to real life. Somehow, we find ourselves sucked into doing something that isn't essential to who we are. We carry this gnawing suspicion that we are serving a system we don't believe in. Most of our energy is consumed slaving under meaningless duties. Years ago I took a time management course because I felt I was wasting too much time on useless stuff. The seminar was expensive. I left that course very passionate about organizing and managing my life. After a few months, however, I realized that all I was doing was organizing and managing the same old useless stuff. I had a revelation that managing my life was meaningless unless my life itself was changed. Years ago I read a book by Easum and Bandy called Growing Spiritual Redwoods. I don't recall anything else about the book except one declaration that the future church would not support codependent relationships. I remember how radical and dangerous an idea that was because that would pretty much empty most churches. Imagine if you stopped supporting codependence in all your relationships. Do you wonder how lonely you'd become? Most of what we do is fulfill other's expectations of us. We grant other's their desires. Something else I've noticed: one week I decided to analyze the phone-calls and visits I was getting at the church building. The greatest majority of them were business related... that is, almost all of them had to do with somebody wanting something or trying to get me to want something. It's like when you're having supper with your family... that's when the tele-marketers call. It's one thing to be actually engaged in life and relationships in a healthy way. It's another to be entangled and trapped in an artificial pseudo-life and in unhealthy codependent relationships. I don't think I suffer from overexposure to church and ministry. I compare it to fishing when you are being inundated with black-flies and mosquitoes. The fishing itself is a pleasure, but after a while the perpetual menace of insects exhausts you. It's the distractions that kill us. Like someone once told me: "It's hard to drain the swamp when you're up to your ass in alligators!"