STAYING IN LOVE WHEN YOU DON’T BELIEVE THE SAME

deconstruction, relationships -

STAYING IN LOVE WHEN YOU DON’T BELIEVE THE SAME

"Attraction" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

STAYING IN LOVE WHEN YOU DON’T BELIEVE THE SAME

This takes seconds to see but can take years in real life.

This is Lisa’s and my story.

When deconstruction hit our marriage (changing beliefs, losing faith as we knew it, and quitting church), it was devastating. We didn’t know how to be together. We didn’t even know how to talk. The glue we assumed held us together (a mixture of being on the same page of belief, being in ministry together, and being a part of a community of believers) disintegrated.

We had to figure out, if we wanted our marriage to survive, how to stay together. What was the real glue of our relationship that had lasted 30 years so far?

We recalled what initially attracted us to one another. For me, it was Lisa’s looks. Her body. Her eyes. Her face. Her hair. Then her demeanor. Then I appreciated her personality… wild, uncontrollable, strong, independent, and wise. Never once was I enamored by her beliefs.

Of course, we were willingly immersed in a super religious culture at a Pentecostal Bible College. But I realized that if I was an animal in a conservation, a compound, or a cage, these environments won’t matter when I’m attracted to another.

We realized that love is the glue. Not compatibility!

Ask, if you’re in a relationship experiencing deconstruction:

What initially attracted us to one another?
Can we get in touch with that again?
Is my original lover still in there somewhere?
Does my partner’s choices make sense within the total picture of their personality?
Can I respect them for the journey they’ve embarked upon?
Will I be afforded the same grace for my spiritual choices?

You can make it! We did.


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